Melanie Jade's Journal

Melanie Jade's Journal

Melanie Jade

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september came and everything was....	[04 Sep 2008\|01:30am]
so it's exactly a year from when i left for rome. so weird... i miss it so much, i've been feeling it in every cell of my body lately. i haven't gone anywhere except texas in march since being back from rome. that's the longest i've gone without a long-ish trip far from the east coast in like 6 years. i feel frustrated at my lack of money... and i feel even more hopeless and frustrated that even if i get money, i need it to pay back my student loans. from now on, i will have $400 MORE a month in bills that i've previously had. that's so, so much money. i need to figure out how to make more money, and i hate it. i hate that the way things (school, loans, jobs) are structured literally compel people to take their part in capitalism and work work work work to pay back their bills. i don't want to work a serious job, i want to explore and travel and create. but in order not to have completely fucked credit and everything else i'm going to have to work full time.... i just don't know. i just wish i could grab ketch and hop on a plane to somewhere new and beautiful. we are both so broke with few avenues to not being broke. but i just want to take off with him, go to an exciting new place together. i'm done with school! i've been making mental lists of people to pursue friendships with. i'm excited to have friends and weekly calendars of fun! bowling, gaming, movies, dinners, crafting, etc.... i'm down for it all. i'm so so so so excited to have that freedom again, i haven't had that since my first year in philly. every night i can go wherever and hangout with whoever! yay no homework! i'm really curious about how my post-college life will pan out...
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	[22 Aug 2008\|02:44am]
you take my breath away.
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insecurities	[14 Aug 2008\|12:27am]
insecurities are weird and hard. i try and make sense of it in my head and talk my self out of the irrational bits but it's still hard. i know it's silly.... but being in relationships makes things more intense, there's more to lose, there's more to work on and work for. and then there's jealousy... i own it now, i don't put it all on the other person, i accept my part in it. so i know i've made progress. but i still feel it... sometimes i think i just feel too much! it's just hard because i've felt that rejection.... countless times people that i loved decided they couldn't be with me for supposedly bigger personal reasons but in the end they could be with a different person. i'm just scared of that sometimes... i don't know how to shake off these hierarchies that i make in my head, it's so ingrained in me. i don't want to fall into those traps of competition and comparisons, but so often that's my immediate reaction... until i try to rationalize it and deconstruct it. i know it's dumb, but i can't help but feel those pangs. stupid insecurities, other people being everything i'm not or can't be.... ugh, i really need to let it go and just know that it's fine, healthy, okay. even so...with all the worries and insecurities... it's really amazing to be in a relationship with a lot of trust. trusting is fucking scary, it leaves me so vulnerable. but i know this person i have in my life is treating my heart tenderly and that everything is truly sweet and wonderful. i am so happy that this is my life, i just need to remember that i deserve it and to let myself really enjoy it.
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hierarchies are shit	[14 Jul 2008\|08:11pm]
everytime i go out to a queer dance party/night i leave feeling like shit. i end up feeling manically like i want to chop off my hair, throw out my dresses, and stop being femme. i am so, so, so sick of these hierarchies. i hate that i participate in them. i hate that we all do. it makes me want to live under a rock. or be part of something that has these hierarchies but doesn't pretend these hierarchies don't exist. i feel frustrated that i'm not moving. i don't totally hate philly, but i still just feel done with it a lot of the time. maybe i can set a time limit for myself and in the next year or so find somewhere else that might be good to try out. i think i need to start having weekly one-on-one hangs with my friends. also, i really want the women's therapy center to call me back for counseling intake interview stuff. also, i miss molly and skip.
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two years	[10 Jul 2008\|01:49am]
so it's been two years since my uncle took the lives of two of my cousins and then took his own life. two years since all the sadness, tragedy, and overall devastation. it's wierd, this summer has been triggering. the same people are visiting again, it's that same weather, than same time of year. but things are actually so, so different. thank goodness. i'm trying really hard to come out of my financial hole. i feel more motivated to do what i need to do to finish school. i just want september to be a fresh start, a clean slate, like last year. this year i won't be in rome, sadly, but i can have a new beginning right here in philly. no more school holding me back or hanging over my head. i can't wait. i'm ready to move on to new things, see what opportunities are out there. i'm ready to travel some more, and hopefully my finances will be looking up and i'll be able to leave and explore a bit. being in love is amazing, by the way. it's scary and hard but so, so good. i love co-existing. i love taking care of each other. i love giggling and enjoying ridiculous shit that only we would enjoy together. i love our connection. i love falling asleep holding my sweetie and waking up to sweet little kisses. eeeeeeee!
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summer is the new winter

[13 Jun 2008|01:58am]

[

mood

listless

]

summer is the new winter. i used to get inexplicably depressed every winter... ya know, seasonal depression. but the past few years it's reversed. i actually get more unnecessarily depressed in the summer. i feel really lonely, sad, and lacking in any kind of motivation. there's not really reason for it anymore, though. the past few years, summer 06 and 07 in particular, there were circumstances where it made sense to be sad. but now, things are mostly good but i still feel a bit dead inside.

maybe i feel like i'm supposed to be out doing crazy things because it's summer, but i'm not. maybe i think everyone else is out having adventurous fun and i'm not? i don't know.

maybe i feel weird because i'm stil feeling the effects of moving back to philly with two of my closest friends gone.

i know that part of it is money. i have none. my family has none. this prohibits me from being able to travel, and for my well-being i need to be able to leave at least every six months.

i usually have a trip planned for late july or august, and this is the first year.... ever... where i don't have anything. no summer trip because i have no money. i think it's really bumming me out. i just have too much stuff to pay off and not enough income... the thought of not being able to leave at all makes me feel panic, makes my chest hurt. there are so many places i want to see and experience and feeling stuck is my number one weakness and fear. maybe i'll put something on my credit card, just to go, just to get the hell out of here.

i don't know why i feel so weird tonight. sometimes i just feel nothing, nothing left inside. i think i'm overall a lot less broken than i used to be, but sometimes the poorly-functioning busted up bits flare up and take over. but always just for a little bit, which is good, because in general i'm the happiest i have been in a while.

for two years i planned on moving away from philly after graduation. graduation isn't even a reality at this point and it makes me feel some kind of despair. it feels like i'll never leave. i really don't want to go back to feeling stuck.

this time of year is triggering.... i think that's a big big part of it. i've let go of the past a lot, a lot for me anyway, but there are just some things that i can't push away. this time two years ago was the hardest ever in my life and sometimes i realize that i'm still trying to shake it off.

i never in my life thought i would kind of hate the summer.

but really, this year will be different. i just need to snap out of it.

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two thousand great	[02 Jun 2008\|08:05pm]
so, 2008 has been totally awesome. coming back from italy was really weird and really hard. at first i totally freaked out and felt worse than ever. but eventually, it just settled and i actually felt... great. somehow, in all the crazyness and rollercoasters of emotions in rome, i actually managed to heal and let go a good amount. i came home to things be very different than i'd expected, a tad bit of heartbreak even, but surprisingly enough it all worked out for the best. i made mew friends with people who inspire and motivate me and who are actually sincerely caring and rad! i met someone new in february... and we fell in love! this is the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship and i honestly didn't think it could even be like this, i didn't think that i would even ever feel these kinds of feelings again. i'm not as broken as i thought, i guess. i am actually happy for once and i don't feel crazy-- it's nuts, really! my heart is in a bit of a tumult lately... little sparkly fireworks going off and all that. i'm happy about having this person in my life. it's fun and i'm excited for the future. i don't feel that inspired right now... i think i'll write more later.
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goodbyes	[20 Jul 2007\|03:08am]
i said goodbye to my two cousins and uncle again last week. it's been a year, a whole year. it was so wierd to be there a year later. so many familiar faces that i silently shared so much pain with last year. i never even talked to most of them, but we were all there in shock, confusion, anger, grief, sadness. we've all been healing, or trying to at least. so many familiar faces, the same but also everyone looked significantly older. things in my family will never be the same, but we can only learn and continue to heal and grow. i'll never understand, but all i can do is accept. and be there for the family members that need me. it was a small sense of closure, and i'm glad i was there. two goodbyes in one night. it still hasn't really sunken in. it's sad and i hate it but i know that it's better for friends (and for me") to move on and find places that inspire them and help them grow. it's just wierd to think of how many more intense goodbyes i have coming up in the next month or so and how different it's all going to be when i come back. there's really just one goodbye that i could make permanent, but goddamn it's still so hard. it's still all i fucking talk about and think about. he has disappointed me so unbelievably much. the last two weeks are pushing me over the fucking edge. i'm ready to burst, but i don't want to cause drama and have all that tension again. but he is still mind-bogglingly selfish and a LIAR. A SERIOUS LIAR. oh god, if i told one tenth of it, his shit would be over. but it's his mess, and i really just need to learn to leave him be, to further not deal with and repress his ridiculous fucking messes. i need to tell him, as soon as possible, that i'm done with this and i don't want to try anymore. he's really not worth it. good things... this week was a waste of wallowing. i can't do that again. i only have a month or so left! tonight was actually really great, and it has motivated me to make sure i spend time with people before i go. i'm coming out of my low point, and i hope the next month is filled with having good times with people i care about! and oh, i am now realizing more than ever how truly special and amazing my one friend is. i don't know what i'd do without him, and we are super lucky to have each other! my heart feels stronger just thinking about it.
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there's only us, there's only this, there's no day but today	[06 Jul 2007\|12:24am]
so i've been thinking a lot about what i want from life, from my one and only time i'll ever be on this earth, be alive. what do i want from my short time here? well i can't totally know... i'm still young and i'll always be cotinuing to grow and change. but i know what i do not want and some things that i think i would want my life to include. all i see around me are family members who have intensely fucked up their lives and are on these non-stop hurtling planes crashing and bursting into flames of misery, depression, and stagnancy. i see friends and acquaintances who hold onto these surprisingly normative values that i don't think can bring any human happiness and fulfillment. i don't want anything that kills my soul, that keeps me in line, that sedates me. i want to feel, explore, and have as many experiences as i can. i want to travel to anywhere and everywhere i could possibly afford. i want to continue learning and maybe someday even be a facilitator and guide in the learning process of others. i want to live in different parts of the country and hopefully in other countries as well. all of this is really scary and so incredibly contrary to my family and upbringing. but i can't just sit and watch it all go by, never leaving, never challenging, never pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone. i don't know if i want kids (i do believe it's socially and environmentally irressponsible) and that kids would seriously limit my ability to experience so many things. i'm just not going to worry about it til i'm pushing thirty or early thirties. i hope i find love again, but i can't let that be my only focus or goal. i don't know if i'll ever want another super committed monogamous relationship. i don't know if i'll ever feel anything like i did. i just hope i can make new connections with a person that helps motivate and inspire me and i'd have the same effect on this theoretical person. but i don't want to keep defining myself in relation to other people. i need to continue to push towards autonomy and standing on my own. it's terrifying and it's something that i thought i'd never be able to do, which is why i have to keep challenging myself. i don't want to fall into normalcy, into dissatisfaction, into misery, into bitterness. there's so much out there and not nearly enough time to really enjoy it all. we have so little time, and i want to know that i refused the passive acceptance of repressive systems and tried my hardest to experience and appreciate all that is out there.
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i wanna be in between the lines of your polarity/all i ever wanted was to be your spine	[21 Jun 2007\|01:50am]
family stuff is super intense right about now and i feel torn between wanting to sacrifice my autonomy to help everyone out and simultaneously wanting to split and leave them all to their messes. it's so unbearably hard to watch so many people i love's mental and physical health slip and slip and slip. i feel so powerless to help them. sometimes i have the irrational frustration that my love for them and other family members' love can't just magically heal them or make them want to really work hard to improve their health. i'm scared for them. none of us can handle losing another person. i know that i can't take all the responsibility onto myself. they are adults, and there's not much that i can really do. that's why my upcoming trip to rome (four months for study abroad) will be crucial.... if that wasn't on the horizon, oh boy..... it's sad that i'm bailing, but i don't know what else to do besides just leave them all to deal with their shit themselves. i'm scared to be gone for so long, though. that panic-y and usually unfounded irrational fear that something will happen to someone is actually realistic and valid because the unthinkable HAS happened before. i still feel a twinge of anxiety whenever my mom calls at odd hours because i'm afraid of another tragedy. if something were to happen while i was so far away.... but hopefully there'll be no more catastrophic events. no one is circling the drain exactly, just slowly slipping. i just want to see that they have help and love and reasons to fight. :::::::: outside observations really got to me. i still feel so much, and still so hurt. i want to pour it all out and say everything but realistically the results would not be anything better. i can't believe it's still so brutally hard. :::::::: two months left til i'm off to rome!! i can't wait to have so much time away to continue figuring things out, growing, healing, and letting go (not to mention four months of a different culture, delicious food, learning, seeing family, etc). yes, it will be just what i need!
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one year later.......	[13 Jun 2007\|01:17am]
things are definately a lot better..... but i still have a long way to go. this time last year i was so small, so weak, vulnerable, lost, and broken. i feel bigger and more whole, more confident and sure of myself and the changes i've undergone. even so, there are certain parts that seem forever broken or when i put them back together... they just work differently. i feel like i am perpetually being fucked with. i understand confusion. i understand being able to feel different things for different people that seem like they'd contradict one another but internally it all somehow makes sense. i feel guilt all the time, despite it's one of the few things that brings me real, complete happiness. and then look at him..... what he says and then what i see of his life, his actual day to day life, are totally contradictory. i don't believe him. what he tells me flips everything upside down and pushes me in the direction of stopping it all and changing the course i've finally felt okay following. he's like the fucked up chain that keeps popping off my bike, which is otherwise a beautiful and smooth ride. is he completely lying to me? no..... but he's not being honest with either of us and it's really not fair. i don't know how much more i can take. i want to scream! tears hugs intense confessions... and that what i see and hear makes it seem like it's all lies, it never happened, i'm making it up. but i'm not. he's just as selfish as ever, as hot and cold as ever. it should make me not care and want to get as far as possible. even with all the hurt piled on, i let him in again and again and again...... but he has this whole other thing going on that he's not going to let go of despite everything he says to me. ugh, there's only so much i can take. i can't wait to get the hell out of here and put it all behind me finally. four months four month four months!! when i come back so much will be different, feel different. then i'll complete my journey in this city and head elsewhere, leaving all this destruction and heartache behind. unrequited summer love - all over again! it would be nice to find someone who i am stoked on and who is equally as stoked about me. but i seem to focus on people that i know i can't have and that deep down i don't want. even so, there's only so much rejection i can take, there's been too much the past year and a half. but it's not last year. i'm not wholly broken and destroyed. i'm not working one hundred percent smoothly, but i never really will. things are different, forever changed. certain parts won't ever work again, they just don't fit. there's no space for them anymore. but maybe someday new parts will help me run a little differently and just as smoothly.
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packing	[22 Jun 2006\|12:46am]
i am not doing so great tonight. i feel stressed about a lot of things and because it seems like i have a few huge mountains to climb and i don't know where to start. fixing friendships, communicating, having talk with chaz, packing my life, moving my life. i feel overwhelmed. i got a little bit of stuff done tonight but i still have a long long way to go. i only packed 7 boxes and i still have a ton of shit everywhere. i need to do laundry. i need lunches. i need bras that actually fit me. my period is late (because of stress, not sperm) which is annoying because i'm never irregular and the past 2 months it's been at least 3 days late because i stopped eating dinner and i am stressed. shit's stupid. feeling like i'm watching from a distance in every social situation with each group of friends. one on one hangouts are my jam right now. i have to miss out on a lot of fun this weekend because of moving and packing and whatnot. new house. no more asparagus stains. just unicorns and sparkles and watermelons and strawberries. not making any sense. not trying to. little crush. i know its a bad idea and there's a million reasons not to feel these things or pursue them. but sometimes, a person is just really freakin good and i can't help but be enamored with them. i wish we could just have a casual summer romance. but that's not really possible. it's cool, i like having friends. actually this situation applies to two little crushes. hah.
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i will walk through the fire, because where else can i turn

[17 Jun 2006|02:07am]

[

mood

exhausted

]

--so the past two weeks have been significantly better, not counting the last weekend. i made it through almost the whole week without much crying at all. i feel a lot healthier in comparison to how i've been feeling the past few months. i stopped thinking about him all day every day. i've even gone a few days without looking at his myspace profile. overall i feel a lot more excited and hopeful. i've been busy, working more, and hanging out lots. i don't think i ate a real dinner once this week! i haven't packed my room at all. and my schedule of hangouts and fun is already jam-packed for next week. i wish i had more free time because there are so many amazing people i want to see and spend time with.

--yesterday a warm breeze from the south swept into philly, making my night pretty magical. an immediate sense of comfort, it all felt so familiar and safe even though its been years since we communicated on a regular basis. feeling cherished. staying up til sunrise. helping each other realize how beautiful and special we both really are.

--i finally talked with her tonight. it was really hard but really really good. i'm glad we waited this long because neither one of us was malicious or mean because it's been months. most of the anger is gone. she said so many amazing things, everything i could ever want to hear. i am so grateful. and then, of course, we both heard what he wasn't telling us. shit is fucked. it kind of tore up freshly healed wounds. i really need to talk to him, but not now. overall though, i'm glad her and i patched things up. it felt so unnatural and i was sad to have lost another person to relate to and hang out with. it's just a shame that my trust in him is further deteriorated.

--i'm really self-involved right now. i feel bad, i know i'm not being the best friend i could be. but i feel so broken and scarily fucked up and i just need to be self-centered right now. i've been a complete wreck and i just need to take of myself and give myself what i think i need. i'm the only one i've got a 100%.

--little crush!! must quell crazy feelings but i can't!!!

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repairs

[14 Jun 2006|12:43am]

[

mood

hopeful

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so... i feel like i'm broken. i am a complete mess. i don't work rigt anymore. all the parts, the gears, that make the sparkles and rainbows and unicorns in me have malfunctioned and just stopped working.

i looked forward to things for months, weeks, and then when they happen i get overcome by horrible feelings, leave early, and go home and cry. this has been happening for months. i dread weekends. i feel like i don't belong anywhere. i'm standing on the outside of both social circles. being completely immersed in either one doesn't seem whole or satisfying. but i have so much anxiety and despair that i don't feel like a part of anything. i feel invisible or lost.

last night was significantly better. today was pretty good as well. tonight was surprisingly good. being there didn't make me feel that crazy. people i care about were there, and that helped. it still hurt, it still sort of made me want to stab him and/or myself, but overall it was okay. i'm trying. there are things to be excited about. it's just so hard. i wish he wasn't so entangled in my life. everything hurts. i know my friends just need to live their lives and do what they need to, but when it involves him the pain is unbearable. but i can't put that on them, it's my stuff. i just wish he was far far away or didn't exist.

new people. excitement. smiles. talking, sharing, learning. it's really amazing, and honestly its one of the few things that keeps me going.

tonight was really beautiful. i'm glad i was surrounded by so many amazing people, on a rooftop in the perfect weather, with an awesome view of the city. everyone was just laying on each other, being affectionate and caring, and it was all really sweet. philadelphia is crazy sometimes but i am proud of the communities here. i just wish i felt like i really belong to them.

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i'll come running with a heart on fire	[10 Jun 2006\|01:20am]
let's see...this has been a busy week. so many birthday festivities. birthday 06 started off pretty rough. the first 2 hours were filled with lots of tears and me saying things outloud that were really scary to hear come out of my mouth. then in the morning i took a math test and did shitty on it, and cried in the bathroom stall at school afterward. i cried all the way back to my car from class. i felt pretty fucking pathetic and intense sadness that i thought would last at least all day. luckily, seeing sal and other friends at whole foods was really nice. then sal came over and that cheered me up a lot. then i watched some buffy, put on a goth outfit, and headed over to me and michelle's dessert potluck. aside from mild anxiety and awkwardness, i had a really amazing time! everyone dressed up goth, and damnit, everyone looked so hot!! there was a ton of awesome desserts, including vegan pizzelles, and so many wonderful people. it made me really happy to have so many beautiful new people in my life. then we took off to the cemetery and had an action packed adventure there. we played tag, WE LARPED - BUFFY STYLE, we played duck-duck-ghost, spin the flashlight, and acted out scenes from buffy, queer as folk, the l word, and rent. the cemetery did not make me feel panicky and i found actually quite romantic. being there made me feel so enmaored with my friends, and it was especially exciting to share a special day with a dreamy person. then on wednesday i got to hang out with sal and josh which was pretty rad. then josh and i watched buffy, last 3 episodes of season six, and talked a lot. it was really good to find someone who understands anxiety, sadness, giving up, and also trying to fight it all. it was amazing. i love making new friends. then last night we had a potluck at our house! it was kind of sad, sort of hard, but overall good. sal made me beautiful cupcakes that make my heart and belly happpy. jordan brought a crazy cake from vegan treats, which is the nicest best thing ever! overall i felt really loved for the first time in a long time, which was nice. one thing i love about the punk/subculture community is how everyone feels like family, but not family in the sense of people you're randomly stuck with, instead it's a family that we choose, which is really special. i felt pretty excited and optimistic. tonight some of that drained away. things are still hard and there's only so much i can take. i'm trying. i'm keeping my head up. it's just... that anxiety and desire to run and hide is still there. i haven't cried since monday and i'm going to fight it off and make it past a week, i swear. it's just... nights are hard, especially weekend nights. so many thing hurt, and it all just hurts more on nights like tonight. hopefully tomorrow will be good. it's the dyke march and then hanging out after. i'm excited -- we'll be oustide with friends, being proud of our community! yea, it will be rad. i want a summer romance. i don't really. but i do.
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and so it begins

[02 Jun 2006|01:05am]

[

mood

awake

]

june is here! birthday is getting closer and closer. excitement and anxiety. i feel sad about this weekend. i can't help but compare it to this year...i just feel like it exemplifies everything i feel and why i feel shitty. last year me, charlie, sarah, molly, nick and other friends all came to my mom's for the bday bbq and it was amazing. chaz gave me a pink ipod as a present, and all day we swam and tons of delicious food. this year, my entire dad's side of the family can't make it. also, no friends from philly can come this year... and of course, no more charlie. i feel kinda pathetic and it makes me feel alone. i know im not, but everythings just so different.... i don't have one person i'm super tight with anymore. and i feel kind of insane because it's been over 4 months and i don't feel like i've "gotten over" any of it.

i know that being single is for the better. my life is less stressful, less dramatic, simpler, easier, and overall less complicated. but with all that said, there's a lot missing. passion, heat, excitement, anger, love. everything is just duller, drained. even so, i'm glad that i have complete freedom. my life is going in new directions and i do love it. i am excited to be a part of this community and keep making new friends and continue pushing myself to be autonomous and self-sufficient. (i just have to keep telling myself that over and over again, yea.)

i don't know how to make it easier. i wish someone would just tell me what to do to magically feel better. or that something big would happen, or that i'd meet someone amazing, so i could stop dwelling on this and feel new wonderful feelings. i know that's not really the answer but sometimes i wish it was.

until then, i will continue showering myself in gifts: tattoo, cds, bracelet, new glasses, etc. ah, consumerism.

i really need some summer hijinks. i love getting slurpees, eating watermelon, eating ice cream, going to diners late at night, and taking cold showers in bathing suits with friends! let's do fun things!

4 comments|post comment

goddamn

[31 May 2006|06:43pm]

[

mood

hopeful

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like i said, i'm totally manic....

last night was AMAZING! yesterday was a good day pretty much all day. i wore my new stripe dress and i know its shallow or whatever to be that excited about an article of clothing but seriously, wearing that dress made everything feel all the more positive. so yea, i went to class, and i got a 98 on my test! then i only worked for 3 hours, which was great. then, THEN, me, molly, skip, q, and kate got ready to go to ny. i was internally annoyed about having to drive, but it turned out great. i love the nj turnpike, i love driving through jerz. kate called our voyage a whirlwind tour of the tristate area. it felt really good to drive a route that i only knew a little bit and navigate everyone to hoboken. also, i led us to the venue and it was just so satisfying to know where to go, i felt very self-reliant and tough. we didn't get lost, nothing crazy happened, and i knew pretty much where to go. also, being in hoboken and on the path just felt so good. it made me think of being 17 and taking trips into new york on weeknights just for food or a show. being in new york overall felt great. when i'm not there i shit talk it and act like i'm over it...but when i'm there, it feels like home. it feels comfortable, and makes sense. i don't know if i ever could live there (probably not) but i definately want to start visiting more. there are so many amazing friends there and i really want to build stronger bonds with them.

the whole atmosphere of the show was amazing!! there were so many philly kids there and i was just elated to see everyone's faces. i love philly to death, and i'm damn proud of the communities we have here. i saw friends from various points in my life, which was another exciting part of the night. it was amazing to see sunny, someone i haven't seen in ages but has known me since i was 17. most of the people in my life have only known me a year, maybe two, and some as long as 4....and being around a few kids who have known me longer just made me feel ... like a real person, more grounded, self sufficient... i loved the crowd last night. it was so empowering and safe and fun. i wish shows had been like that when i was younger, it would have helped me so much.

team dresch was great! they opened with screwing your courage and closed with fagetarian and dyke! i almost died! they played so many goodies in between, and everyone was a sweaty, singing, happy mess. i screamed, sweated, and danced with beautiful, amazing friends and got a ton of bruises and a scratchy throat from doing so. i love everyone that was there and i'm so glad we shared the experience together. afterward, my mind was reeling from the amazing people, the music, all of it. it was a beautiful, wonderful night.

finally, there was a night where i felt pretty damn good the whole time. yes!

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memorial day 06

[29 May 2006|11:57pm]

[

mood

blah

]

this day last year was a really great day. charlie and i went to my mom's bbq and it was sunny, beautiful out, and there was a ton of vegan food. i remember being so content to be in the pool, surrounded by trees, in the shelter of the suburbs, especially with chaz.

it's all so different. i haven't been to the beach yet, which is late compared to the past two years. today i worked. then i went to a bbq at lisa's. it was really good until the end when i started feeling really panic-y and upset and cried a little. i just wanted to go home. it's so strange, i've never had such social anxiety before. i just freak out and want to run away to my room or my roof. i hate it.

will there ever be one fucking night where i actually make it out of the house and feel good the whole night? i can't remember the last time i felt that. months? i'm tired of it. i feel disgusting. its as if everything good gets drained out of me.

i bought him ladybug salt and pepper shakers last night at cvs even though we aren't really talking. then today he was mean on the phone. it makes me insane, i'm tired of crying, i'm sick of hurting.

one good thing is that i got another tattoo last night. its a pink cucpake with rainbow sprinkles and a red cherry! it's the most beautiful thing in the whole world! i love it so much! i want more. tattoos are the only thing that gives me a sense of control, self-reliance, autonomy, and strength. getting them makes me hurt in a good way, feel alive, and feel excited in a way that nothing else does. i want more more more! but i don't have much money i've already gotten two in the past 3 months.

yea i need to lay down. i wish things felt good. maybe someday.

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i have a headache, which is wierd because i usually don't get them

[25 May 2006|02:06am]

[

mood

okay

]

omygod, buffy just died to save dawn's life! shit is fucked.

birthday is two weeks exactly from now. much anxiety. it will be my first birthday without him in years. the last one without him was my 18th. we were together for my 19th, 20th, 21st, and 22nd. it feels really wierd and sad. but alas, this one will be memorable. its really amazing to have found an exciting new person that shares the same birthday. it makes it feel much less lonely and more happily anticipated.

i feel a little better this week. i remembered the reasons why this is good. freedom, growth, change. oh lord, i can't wait to be in my new house! no more of his art, no more huge outline and his heart in my face everyday. just what i want to be up. my own space that doesn't reek of him, of us. no more traces, triggers that send me flying onto my bed in tears. my very own new space to continue building and growing. i can't wait to do some sorting and cleaning, getting ridding of excess. packing it all up. closing the doors as i leave, putting it all behind me.

i haven't cried yet this week, which is a record, seriously! there has been some mild excitement this week. but nothing that seems like it will work out. this city is too small, everything is convoluted and complicated. but still, there's hope. for the love of god, i hope something works out soon. i need to feel the warmth and good feelings of summer!

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sunday	[21 May 2006\|01:14pm]
i went to the italian festival in south philly yesterday. it made me really, really happy and excited. sarah and i wore pretty floral summer dresses and sneakers, which made the day more fun. at the festivial, there were all sorts of delicious smelling foods and lots of crazy stuff going on. i ate zeppoli, pizelles, sicilian tomato pie, and drank some merlot. we watched italian folkdancing. there was an italian-american rock band called the new paisans and they had a guitar that was the colors of the italian flag and they did rock'n covers of old italian songs! then there was a older-middle aged guy singing and playing guitar along with songs (most of which were not italian at all, just classic rock hits), all out of the back of his black suv. anything goes at the italian market! i had a lot of fun, but i kind of made me sad because i really really really missed my family. i wished that they were all there, they would have loved it so much. i especially missed my nonna and my nonno. i am so lucky that they're still around and as amazing and wierd and caring as they are, and i just can't help but think that someday (in the near future) they will be gone. for some reason the italian folkdancing made me particularly emotional. i half-jokingly keep saying i want to join. i think i just got overwhelmed with the sense of history and heritage that i only know a little bit about but its still super important to me. i feel like i really need to go to italy and stay there for a while and learn about my family and where i came from. i think one plan is that next summer i'm going to do a 6 week study abroad thing. and also, when i graduate maybe i will just go to sicily and live with my family for the a month, or the summer, or six months or something like that. i could get dual citizenship before i leave so that i could work there. oh god, its so far away and i just want this all to happen now! but it works out because i have the next two years to really figure out what i want to do and what i need to do to achieve those goals. so the day was going well and until i saw charlie. i wanted to throw up on myself and could barely look at him. as soon as i walked away i cried and then felt like crap. later, just as i was feeling better i saw him and he grabbed my shoulder. i just stood off to the side talking to him, hugging a little bit. i hate seeing him. i hate hearing his name, hearing his voice. when i'm around him, everything good is drained out of me and i shlump into a sad turtle. every interaction i have with him, everything he does just makes me sad and hurt. i need to just not see him or think about him. i'm done. i can't keep having breakdowns, i feel sad all the fucking time, and i feel panic when he's around. i miss him a lot, so much it hurts, and being around him makes it all worse. i went dancing last night at girlparty, and still felt crappy from earlier in the day. but then i had a drink, and saw more and more friends, and got really stoked. i adore everyone that was there, and dancing and talking helped me feel a lot better. oh, by the way, i am the watermelon princess!! i won a watermelon eating contest by eating half a watermelon faster than anyone else. i am very proud of myself and i proved me intense love for watermelon to everyone. oh, and i got to keep the giant hot pink satin crown with watermelons on it that i made for the winner!! another good thing about the weekend was that 2 kids from portland were here. they were both really amazing and we hung out thursday, friday, and saturday morning. i wished they could've stayed longer. i think i'm gonna visit this summer so that will be rad. it was just amazing to meet new people and be excited. it pulled me out of feeling shitty for a few days, and i got to make new friends!!
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